Hello again all

[The Quartermaster]

I know it has been awhile since I last posted. This has been a very rough year for me so far and why I got off the net for a very long time.

Back in FEB my wife of 28 years was killed by a drunk driver. This past April a beloved family friend who I was a hero to for saving her brother's like when he was my soldier, passed from liver complications. And just this last month my mother who had decades left to live, passed suddenly from dementia that came out of nowhere.

I still haven't fully recovered from losing my wife. I'm still not okay about my little sister from another mother. And I am definitely not in a good place with my mother's death. The first two's services I had some closures with. But my mother's? Nope, not even close.

My sister was in denial and anger the entire time. How she handled it was rather apathetic but my brother in law did admit that there was a war between my sister and our mom. Our uncle, our mother's brother? I never before had wanted to punch a family member's face in but he was well on his way there to being the first. He flies in fo a half day. Goes to the services in socks, sandals, and shorts with a T shirt on, and a fanny pack. he makes an insult to me within ten minutes of seeing me in decades, and right after I gave him a hug. Then before he bounces he says he wants to stop for two cheeseburgers to eat before his flight. I asked him to stay and have lunch with us instead, my treat. I asked him to stay with us and I will pay for the hotel and flight if they don't allow a cancellation. Nope.

I have to stay strong for our daughter and granddaughter, but the kiddo is seeing right through me as she still lives with us and I have not spent a night in the bedroom because ever since she was killed, I just cannot do it without my wife being next to me. I will never remarry, she was my one true love and my best friend. We were supposed to grow old together and I was robbed of that. Our daughter will never get to see both her mom and her grandmother seeing her graduate from college and getting married herself.

I am angrier than I should be at things and most often there being no reason to be even be mildly upset. All I do now is come home and avoid the master bedroom and bath as much as possible. Her robe is still on her side of the bed where she had put it for when she was to get back home and slip into before showering. I do every chore and errand imaginable to stay out of my own home when the kids aren't around.

My being here on this earth is not over because I have to remain strong for our babies. But it's been a very, VERY miserable existence so far in doing so. And this year isn't even close to being over yet. Great.

I am not asking for prayers or words of encouragement, nor any favors. But I am here if needed to talk to or talk with. Thanks for listening, I had to vent some of this out finally in a safe space.

 

[amlove21]

Holy shit dude. I know you didn't ask for thoughts and prayers, but you're getting them anyway.

Pm me if you want to talk. I can't imagine your journey, but I'll be damned if I don't try if you need me. A lot of folks here feel the same way, I bet.

 

[Marauder06]

Holy shit dude. I know you didn't ask for thoughts and prayers, but you're getting them anyway.

Pm me if you want to talk. I can't imagine your journey, but I'll be damned if I don't try if you need me. A lot of folks here feel the same way, I bet.

What's really cool about this ^ is that I know he means it and it isn't a performative offer.

 

[The Quartermaster]

Thanks guys, but I am not wanting, not even close to being ready to talk. All it does is make me vividly angry. All I can say without screaming is that my sister buried her too quickly, that I never should have agreed to let my sister have POA. That my uncle who I promised to my family after he left to never see or speak to him again or show up to his funeral (this wasn't the first time either, he was even more obnoxious when my grandfather passed and leading up to it). And I will never, EVER, forgive that POS who took my best friend from me.

What I didn't tell you guys about Daphne (my sister from another mother), is that her death too was tragic. When she was cheated on, she never fully recovered from that marriage ending the way it did. Her heart was forever broken. So she drank, a lot. She met a drinking buddy with benefits, then out of the blue married that POS and no one knew or was invited. Something was wrong, very wrong. She would only talk about it me and Phil her older brother my troop.

She tried to quit drinking but her husband manipulated her to not quit saying he would have never married her if he knew that she didn't want to ride or die with him. Then one day her live showed the inevitable black and blue spots all over. he never visited her in the hospital. Then it became hopeless and was given weeks and moved to a hospice. That's when he decided to not only not see her ever again but to now move back to NY from CA. Didn't even call her. No cards. Nothing.

My heart at the time was very much broken for losing Stephany my wife. Then Daphne went and her heartbreak and end made me die inside even more. And then my mother a month later from out of nowhere. Brothers, I am at a loss of sanity right now. So with this vent that came from nowwhere complete, all I have to say is never miss an opportunity to say I love you or see any relative or close family friend. It may be your very last time and you will definitely be needing that final closure. I never got to have that with any of them. It was too late for Daphne but she did blink when her brother had me on the speaker phone while I was racing down the 40 and the 15 from AZ to CA to see her one last time.

 

[SOSTCRNA]

Brother I can’t even imagine. Prayers for you.

 

[talonlm]

I'm at a complete loss of words. That's one tough turn of events for anyone. I will add you and your family to our prayer list.

 

[The Quartermaster]

I really want Saturday to skip over today and Friday. I'm a bit stressed right now. Pretty sure my doctor from the VA is going to be crying with me after she see's me later this morning and asking where my wife is as she was always with me, I wouldn't be surprised at the lab results for not giving many cares since FEB.

And I am literally dreading tomorrow's phone appointment with my mother's financial advisor with her IRA and the life insurance cash out. I think that it would be in my best interests to let my daughter have it all to manage later for my granddaughter. And I am thinking of buying out my sister's half of our mother's condo in Florida and then keeping it for the family to use.

 

[amlove21]

@The Quartermaster all of that is valid man. You’re going through hell- sometimes, you just gotta strap in and keep going.

If I could offer- you’re allowed to feel insulated. A lot of this work you’re gonna have to do alone. You’re gonna feel like the only person in the world on an island taking rage and crazy pills.

What I can’t accept is you feeling isolated. You aren’t alone. Use whatever word resonates with you- team, tribe, pack, group- you have that here when you need to say what you feel without judgement or trying to hep.

Get some sun on your face. Get your steps in. Drink water. Survive meal to meal if you have to. Try and find a way to be of service to someone no matter how small.

Trauma survival is active event, and it’s a team sport. And you have a whole team next to you here, when you’re ready.

 

[Muppet]

@The Quartermaster all of that is valid man. You’re going through hell- sometimes, you just gotta strap in and keep going.

If I could offer- you’re allowed to feel insulated. A lot of this work you’re gonna have to do alone. You’re gonna feel like the only person in the world on an island taking rage and crazy pills.

What I can’t accept is you feeling isolated. You aren’t alone. Use whatever word resonates with you- team, tribe, pack, group- you have that here when you need to say what you feel without judgement or trying to hep.

Get some sun on your face. Get your steps in. Drink water. Survive meal to meal if you have to. Try and find a way to be of service to someone no matter how small.

Trauma survival is active event, and it’s a team sport. And you have a whole team next to you here, when you’re ready.

I echo what AM said, those who know me for years here, knows what I went through and I leaned on them.

Quartermaster, you're not alone brother man. You have support here. If/when you need it, we'll be here, I can assure you of this.

You have my cell, check your DM.

 

[The Quartermaster]

I wrote a response based on the current feelings I am having at this moment, then got angry about it. And to be blunt, it was anger that I wasn't sure if it was justified or not.

 

[amlove21]

I wrote a response based on the current feelings I am having at this moment, then got angry about it. And to be blunt, it was anger that I wasn't sure if it was justified or not.

It's ok to be angry, and at this point, it's ok to be angry about being angry and not being able to explain why.

It takes a lot of energy to be mad. Just be aware of that fact- you have a finite amount of energy. If you're spending 80% of your bandwidth to be mad about everything, you don't have much left to grieve, and to be aware of people in your life that might need you as much as you need them.

I am a super angry, hyper-aggressive person. Everything is a fight to me, unfortunately, and that has led to some regrets.

If I could offer- you're already better than most. Realizing you're pissed off and admitting you're making decisions off that emotion is light years ahead of other folks in your position.

If you ever figure out a way to let go of that anger (and then the resentment that follows), holler at your boi. I am still working on those, could use some tips.

 

[Muppet]

It's ok to be angry, and at this point, it's ok to be angry about being angry and not being able to explain why.

It takes a lot of energy to be mad. Just be aware of that fact- you have a finite amount of energy. If you're spending 80% of your bandwidth to be mad about everything, you don't have much left to grieve, and to be aware of people in your life that might need you as much as you need them.

I am a super angry, hyper-aggressive person. Everything is a fight to me, unfortunately, and that has led to some regrets.

If I could offer- you're already better than most. Realizing you're pissed off and admitting you're making decisions off that emotion is light years ahead of other folks in your position.

If you ever figure out a way to let go of that anger (and then the resentment that follows), holler at your boi. I am still working on those, could use some tips.

Ditto homie. Therapy helps but I'm still mad after years and despite moving on, starting a new life and still fucking tourqed at times.

Whoever tells you grief is a certain process is a bullshitter.

It's a fucking shit show in depths of despair.

Promise me this, QM, if you find yourself in that well, call me or someone here.

You don't have to do it alone homie.

 

[The Quartermaster]

Suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. As excruciating as this year has been so far at killing my soul over and over, and again some more, my time on this earth is not over yet. I still have a duty to support our daughter and granddaughter, and to ease the burden on my mother in law, their maternal great grandmother.

So yes, I promise you. Easy day in that regard.

Lab results was telling. Higher than normal red blood cells due to severe lack of sleep. Low T so I had to get another blood draw because she wants to make sure before prescribing the lotion cream thingy for the shoulders. And a certain narcotic free sleeping pills that have a side effect that treats for depression, meanwhile a sleep study just to be sure. it's not from stress alone.

And doc and I had a long talk, she needed to make sure that when I walked out that I wasn't so alone. I just about cried when she said that.

@amlove21 I don't know what to tell you. 2003 to 2004 OIF was extremely rough. 2006-2007 OEF was just as rough if not more. It was 2008-2009 OIF when I had finally snapped. I had the good fortune of a command team who understood having BTDT too, of the tolls taken. 18th Airborne had a mental health combat stress team out nearby us and had clinics about thinking about our thinking, I guess that's where I formed my own mental tools for recognizing certain signs about myself.

 

[Muppet]

Suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. As excruciating as this year has been so far at killing my soul over and over, and again some more, my time on this earth is not over yet. I still have a duty to support our daughter and granddaughter, and to ease the burden on my mother in law, their maternal great grandmother.

So yes, I promise you. Easy day in that regard.

Lab results was telling. Higher than normal red blood cells due to severe lack of sleep. Low T so I had to get another blood draw because she wants to make sure before prescribing the lotion cream thingy for the shoulders. And a certain narcotic free sleeping pills that have a side effect that treats for depression, meanwhile a sleep study just to be sure. it's not from stress alone.

And doc and I had a long talk, she needed to make sure that when I walked out that I wasn't so alone. I just about cried when she said that.

@amlove21 I don't know what to tell you. 2003 to 2004 OIF was extremely rough. 2006-2007 OEF was just as rough if not more. It was 2008-2009 OIF when I had finally snapped. I had the good fortune of a command team who understood having BTDT too, of the tolls taken. 18th Airborne had a mental health combat stress team out nearby us and had clinics about thinking about our thinking, I guess that's where I formed my own mental tools for recognizing certain signs about myself.

I learned a long time ago, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Anything that is a positive during that day is a fucking win, don't ever feel guilty for that, BTDT, don't deny the positive feelings.

I know you won't/don't want to hear this but I was told this years back by a former medical director/doc/paramedic that was in charge of us at my former place of employment, he had lost his wife a few years prior, Sheryl was young also.

While everyone was tip toeing around me at work and I was an absolutely miserable bastard to everyone, he simply told me...

"You'll survive bro".

I was taken back but honestly, looking back, it meant alot.

I don't think I have the balls to tell you that, he and I had a different relationship that you and I have (dont know each other).

That said, Maria and I offer our prayers (you're getting them anyway) and our love.

 

[Dame]

Suicide is a final solution to a temporary problem. As excruciating as this year has been so far at killing my soul over and over, and again some more, my time on this earth is not over yet. I still have a duty to support our daughter and granddaughter, and to ease the burden on my mother in law, their maternal great grandmother.

So yes, I promise you. Easy day in that regard.

Lab results was telling. Higher than normal red blood cells due to severe lack of sleep. Low T so I had to get another blood draw because she wants to make sure before prescribing the lotion cream thingy for the shoulders. And a certain narcotic free sleeping pills that have a side effect that treats for depression, meanwhile a sleep study just to be sure. it's not from stress alone.

And doc and I had a long talk, she needed to make sure that when I walked out that I wasn't so alone. I just about cried when she said that.

@amlove21 I don't know what to tell you. 2003 to 2004 OIF was extremely rough. 2006-2007 OEF was just as rough if not more. It was 2008-2009 OIF when I had finally snapped. I had the good fortune of a command team who understood having BTDT too, of the tolls taken. 18th Airborne had a mental health combat stress team out nearby us and had clinics about thinking about our thinking, I guess that's where I formed my own mental tools for recognizing certain signs about myself.

Best emotional help I have based on experience: Angry is normal. Normal sucks.

Best practical help, find a friend who is a Notary. Have an at-home sit-down with all the paperwork laid out on whatever table/workbench/pool table you have. Go through it with the Notary. Sign what needs to be signed, and make piles of the rest.

That said, call ANYTIME day or night.

 

[ArtaPlageJailhouse]

I understand we're your at. Lots of good stuff written above me. Your a better man for stepping up an letting some of it go.
Best to you.