# Best Medical Profiles



## Swill (Sep 19, 2008)

Or as they say in the Navy, "Light/Limited Duty chits." For the uninitiated, these are written orders from the doc that restrict what you are allowed to do physically do. Example: I jumped out of an airplane (with a parachute) and when I landed, I hurt my back. The doc gave me a profile that restricts me from running, rucking, or doing sit ups for 6 weeks. Sometimes, believe it or not, service members will use profiles to avoid doing things they don't want to do. Often profiles are legitimate. But sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they are works of art.

Anyway, to get to the point, today I saw a profile that read "requires air conditioning" and "breathing at his own pace."  That's the best one I've ever seen.

Anyone else got any good ones?


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## Chopstick (Sep 19, 2008)

Swill said:


> Anyway, to get to the point, today I saw a profile that read "requires air conditioning" and "breathing at his own pace."


Asthma? 
Im not in the military as you know, but the practice I work in..pulmonary medicine we actually write prescriptions for AC and humidifiers and air cleaners for severe asthmatics as well as other types of lung problems.  The prescription will actually get some insurance companies to pay for these items as medically necessary..and for some people it really helps them control their asthma and COPD.


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## Swill (Sep 19, 2008)

I don't know what he told the doc to get him to write the profile. I know that when he was confronted as to why he wasn't PTing, he produced the profile. I also know that he rides his Cannondale in every morning... because every morning I drive past him.

Hmmm...


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## AWP (Sep 19, 2008)

Swill said:


> I don't know what he told the doc to get him to write the profile. I know that when he was confronted as to why he wasn't PTing, he produced the profile. I also know that he rides his Cannondale in every morning... because every morning I drive past him.
> 
> Hmmm...



Sounds like you need a cell phone with a camera and he needs to practice his signature so it looks good on the Art. 15 paperwork.


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## Centermass (Sep 19, 2008)

"No shaving" :uhh:


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## Looon (Sep 19, 2008)

Centermass said:


> "No shaving" :uhh:


 I gots the bumps, Saug!!


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## Chopstick (Sep 19, 2008)

Swill said:


> I don't know what he told the doc to get him to write the profile. I know that when he was confronted as to why he wasn't PTing, he produced the profile. I also know that he rides his Cannondale in every morning... because every morning I drive past him.
> 
> Hmmm...


bwhahahaha..then it aint asthma!:doh:
A little methacholine challenge test outta cure whatever ails him. :2c:


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## 8'Duece (Sep 19, 2008)

Legitimate profiles are one thing, but if this soldier requires "air conditioning" and "breath air at his own pace" then he needs to seek further respiratory function tests and possibly be medically discharged under medical reasons.  Somehow I doubt he'd get even a 10% disability rating unless he can prove that a decline in respiratory function is or was a result of hazardus conditions connected with his service duties. He should have the doc write up an appointment to have a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT) assuming he doesn't try to fake out the machine by breathing really shallow. LOL

I had surgery on my left shoulder while in the service.  I was off an on profile during the times when it would dislocate but never more than two weeks at one time.  I didn't want to pull that much CQ duty so I alway's let the two weeks lapse without a check up. Bad idea !!

I wound up having two surgery's on the same shoulder and both times recieved the usual 30 day's convolescent leave and then about 6 weeks profile upon return to the unit.  But, I was alway's glad to be back to full duty and jumping. 

Amazingly we had a few guy's that would make up just about any shit to get out of duty.  Whether they didn't want to jump or go to the field they alway's had something wrong with them.  But never a legitimate injury like a dislocated shoulder or elbow or knee. Alway's some mysterious systemic problem with a hard cough. 

And, one or two just bat shit crazy section 8.


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## Ranger Psych (Sep 19, 2008)

hey, stfu bout the heavy breathing profile fuckers, I had a no standing for more than 5 minutes and no heavy breathing profile after I had pneumonia.. might have been the fact that if I did a full inhalation I'd cough up nice chunks of lung.  It ran out just in time to go to JRTC, that was wonderful...

My profile before I got out was "no weapons no explosives no deployment do not antagonize"


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## LibraryLady (Sep 19, 2008)

Ranger Psych said:


> ... My profile before I got out was "no weapons no explosives no deployment do not antagonize"



And you have how many lead projectile units now?  

LL


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## car (Sep 19, 2008)

No sweating.


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## Polar Bear (Sep 19, 2008)

This is not a story of how good a profile but response to a profile. Had a TARD in my squad always riding the profile. My Platoon Sgt. asked me what was up with him, I told him he was a sham artist. So we are heading to the field and the PS asks me where PFC TARDY is, on crutches. Go get him SPC. PS asks him some questions and then asks to see his profile. Use Crutches, keep weight off foot. PFC TARD go get your ruck you are going to the field. Put PS...PFC TARD the profile does not say anything about not going to the field or carrying a ruck, now get moving. We always got ambushed, you could hear us a mile away, him making a racket or us laughing at him.


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## Looon (Sep 19, 2008)

Polar Bear said:


> This is not a story of how good a profile but response to a profile. Had a TARD in my squad always riding the profile. My Platoon Sgt. asked me what was up with him, I told him he was a sham artist. So we are heading to the field and the PS asks me where PFC TARDY is, on crutches. Go get him SPC. PS asks him some questions and then asks to see his profile. Use Crutches, keep weight off foot. PFC TARD go get your ruck you are going to the field. Put PS...PFC TARD the profile does not say anything about not going to the field or carrying a ruck, now get moving. We always got ambushed, you could hear us a mile away, him making a racket or us laughing at him.


 hahaahaahahaahahaahaa


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## Ranger Psych (Sep 19, 2008)

LibraryLady said:


> And you have how many lead projectile units now?
> 
> LL


pfffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt


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## x SF med (Sep 19, 2008)

Ranger Psych said:


> hey, stfu bout the heavy breathing profile fuckers...
> 
> My profile before I got out was "no weapons no explosives no deployment do not antagonize"




Great, RP is a phone stalker with guns now:doh::confused:

(hey, you left it open bro...)



> pfffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt



and gas.


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## HOLLiS (Sep 19, 2008)

Opps  I thought this was about RB, not RP..........  Dang.


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## RackMaster (Sep 20, 2008)

"Must not be put in a military work environment."  

;)  I'm fucking serious, it happens up here, usually ends up with long term sick leave and more than likely medical release.


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## Ranger Psych (Sep 20, 2008)

x SF med said:


> Great, RP is a phone stalker with guns now:doh::confused:
> 
> (hey, you left it open bro...)
> 
> ...




Last time I support you in an election..  Next time I'm swiftboating!!! bwhaha


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## rv808 (Sep 20, 2008)

I had one SPC in ACUs the morning of a BN run.  I asked him why he won't run, and that his dead man's profile does not allow running or anything.  I asked him what exactly is wrong with him, and he said, "Sir, I'm 27 years old, the Army has been hard on me these past two years!"  (Noted we are Signal, in a SIGNAL BDE TOO)  

I said, "Well shit SPC, I'm 30 and been in longer than you....I guess it's a miracle I even have a pulse."


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## AssadUSMC (Sep 20, 2008)

Ranger Luna said:


> I gots the bumps, Saug!!



Truer words have never been spoken.  Hell, I hate shaving, too, so maybe I was secretly jealous.


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## x SF med (Sep 20, 2008)

Ranger Psych said:


> Last time I support you in an election..  Next time I'm swiftboating!!! bwhaha




I just calls 'em like I sees 'em...  well, and throw in a Trollish twist:doh:


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## medic1 (Sep 20, 2008)

*sick notes!*

Tell you what I used to do when I was running the sick room and you got all these same old people turning up on sick parade just to get out of duties or tough training:
stick an Aspirin to their forehead under a round band-aid and tell them to fuk off with the knowledge that the Aspirin would be slowly absorbed through the skin for 24 hours and thus provide the pain relief they required. All day they would walk around base with a plaster stuck to their head, and everyone knew why!!!!!!
I have used it on the road as a Civvie as well, for all those people that have nothing better to do at 03:00hrs than call the EMS! Works a treat!

Medic 1


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## Muppet (Sep 20, 2008)

I used that similar in the aid station but not in the civilian world due to whiney nurses complaing about it. I used to put an alcholol prep. pad on the forehead and told the shammer that it would draw out the poisons.

F.M.


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## medic1 (Sep 21, 2008)

cool, will try that..........yep same history with the Civvie Nurses, no sense of humour!

Medic1


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## Muppet (Sep 21, 2008)

I am NOT into messing with people ( I think that it is unprofessional ) but sometimes the knuckleheads we have just deserve it. Take this for example: I am currentlly @ work, busy surburban M.I.C.U. and we get a call for a traumatic laceration / injury. We get there and the guy has a SCRATCH on his finger from scraping it on his shower rod while taking a shower. How do you cope with that? He was advised to go to CVS, but some bandaids and go to sleep.

F.M.


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## Centermass (Sep 21, 2008)

Firemedic said:
			
		

> I think that I posted twice My head is in my 4th. point of contact.
> 
> Sorry about that.
> 
> F.M.



Guess we'll be seeing you at sick call later on this morning to try and remove it, or................

We'll cut 2 holes around your belly button so you can still see what's going on around you until we figure it out. lol


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## steelrain202 (Sep 23, 2008)

I remember back about 13 or 14 years ago, we had a kid in my platoon that had a "No walking on uneven terrain". So my Plt Sgt, SFC Tomley, went the connex gathered up some small squares of plywood and 2x4's scrapes and had this kid lay down a path of even sturdy even terrain for himself everywhere he went. It was quite funny and hilarity ensued.


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## racing_kitty (Sep 23, 2008)

So this isn't the "best" medical profile, but it sure was interesting how I managed to get around it.

When I was in basic, I found myself ordered to sick call for this horrible cough that just wouldn't go away.  Turned out to be a nasty case of bronchitis, so I wound up on a dead man's profile about 2/3 of the way through, for 2 or 3 days, can't remember exactly how long.  What really sucked balls was knowing that I had to go through some random course that involved running, dropping, and getting up again; not completing this course would have me repeating that phase of basic again and graduating late.  I had no desire to recycle, and I was lucky enough to have a Drill Sergeant who understood my plight.  

This being the early part of 2001, we weren't wearing full body armor everywhere, it was just a k-pot, LBE, and my M16.  DS Garcia made damn sure he got my lane, so that he could "ensure" that I didn't break my profile.  So I didn't run the course...I "walked" it, with the understanding that my idea of a "walking pace" was much faster than what the medics would recommend (ok so it was an all-out fucking sprint...have you ever seen the old fuckers speed walking around the mall or park...those are some fast movers!).  I wasn't supposed to be dropping into a prone position with my rifle...however, I was the "clumsiest private" that DS Garcia had ever seen in his career; I kept falling down on my "leisurely stroll" and having to get back up again.  By the time I got to the end of the course, I couldn't keep a straight face.  I'm still grateful for his help, because his "liberal interpretation" of my profile helped me graduate on time!

End of hijack....


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## LibraryLady (Sep 23, 2008)

I was in a car accident while stationed in Germany, managed to bone bruise my heels, so that put me on crutches for a bit.  I was living in the barracks at the time, and started to hang out with another guy recovering from knee surgery, on crutches also.  Hilarity ensued!  Nightly races up and down the stairs, learning to crutch while holding a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other...  The medic who worked for my doc would just shake his head and walk away...  ;)

LL


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## FNG_tracker (Sep 24, 2008)

A guy i worked with, an E-5, got diagnosed as being Bi-polar and being in a sensative job he was unable to continue handling classified info while on the medication. Anyway, do to his potential outbursts, the head doctor wrote a memorandum to keep him away from stressful situations which would cause the mood swings, particualry an E-7 who he percived to be a dick. So he pretty much had a no dealing with assholes profile. He was medboarded and kicked out of the army not long after. Anyway..somedays i kinda wish i had the no dealing with assholes profile too...


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## HoosierAnnie (Sep 24, 2008)

OK FM and Medic1 WTF's going on dis'in us nurses?? I am neither whiney and I definately have a sense of humor. (Why Doc, you mean I can't suture this drunk SOB's earlobe to the gurney when he becomes an idiot?)

Don't worry, I'm just jerkin your respective chains. ;)


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## Muppet (Sep 26, 2008)

Hey Hoosier:
The majority of R.N.'s I have come in contact with, both do not like medics and have a chip, on their shoulder. From the sounds of what you are saying, I just may love you. Can you move to P.A. and get a job @ one of our E.D.'s? Again, I am NOT into messing with people, just blowing off steam. I have been called a hand holder sometimes. Oh yeh, I woke up an overdose this a.m. and now am cleaning up peanut butter stained vomit from my clothes and squad. Can't get that anywhere else.

F.M.


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## HeloMedic1171 (Dec 20, 2008)

car said:


> No sweating.



NO shit!!  I've seen that one!  he had eczema really bad.



racing_kitty said:


> So this isn't the "best" medical profile, but it sure was interesting how I managed to get around it.
> 
> End of hijack....



I had something similar happen to me.  I was in AIT at Ft Sam.  I had done basic at Ft Leonard Wood, and got the inevitable URI as a result of close contact, living with 45 other males in a trailer barracks.  yay.  so at AIT, I had thought my URI "cured", and in reality, it had become Pneumonia.  I show up with a fever of 101+, chills, sweats, cough, lung butter, everything.  the nurse brings me back, does my tilts, finds out I'm a medic student.  she, being a former 91C (LPN nurse), understood that I A) did NOT want to be admitted into BAMC, and B) refused to miss more than 8 hours of class.  if you missed 16, you recycled, and I wasn't having that shit.  so whenever the doc would leave, she'd bring me a pitcher of Ice water.  I'd dirnk it, she'd take my temp, and always it would be UNDER the magic number of 102.3, which was the cut-off for automatic admittance to BAMC.  the doc couldn't understand why i felt so warm but didn't register it.  She also talked to the Clinic OIC, and old friend, apparently.  since the doc kep wanting me to go to BAMC, and I refused, the OIC sided with the nurse - he couldn't MAKE me go just because I was sick, I had to meet one some sort of criteria for admittance against my wishes.  the high fever I actually had would have done it, but pneumonia in and of itself does not constitute a reason for hospitalization.  basically, the Nurse and the OIC knew why I didn't want to recycle.  so, they gave me tylenol to break the fever, 2 Z-packs, and some cold/cough meds, and sent me back to class.  I still thank her everyday for that, because of her I grad'd on time and have loved my job ever since.  



HoosierAnnie said:


> OK FM and Medic1 WTF's going on dis'in us nurses?? I am neither whiney and I definately have a sense of humor. (Why Doc, you mean I can't suture this drunk SOB's earlobe to the gurney when he becomes an idiot?)



sounds like a fun time to me!!!


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## urdaddyjeep (Aug 26, 2009)

man this takes me back to when I was smart and was a 91B... went to SAM in 92 and went back to my guard unit where I got a job working at a hospital in a college town.. talk about alot of shit you get to see there.. 

as far as profiles I see them everyday and think to myself how in the world am I still breathing since this guy is on a dead mans profile cause he hurt his big toe.. what really gets me is that there are Docs here at Gordon that are giving out perm profiles to AIT soldiers. WTF?? what have they done here at Gordon to have hurt themselfs so badly that they need a perm profile? I didnt get one till 06 after my knee got scoped and have been trying like hell to get off of it but the Doc here is like no your on it for a reason. well that is one reason I never carry it and I do run with the PVTs. It says at my own pace and distance.. hell 2 miles is my distance and if I do it under 16mins then its at my time.. 
BTT
One profile I just saw the other day made me laugh and wonder what the hell was that nurse thinking.. it read " Soldier is able to sleep when he feels tired and should not be awaken with sudden noise, suffers from PTSD... WTF this guy hasnt seen combat nor has he been anywhere that I know of that would or could cause PTSD.. he is from a gold spoon family... who knows maybe daddy beat him daily.. wish I could.. but this being TRADOC just not going to happen..


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## HeloMedic1171 (Aug 26, 2009)

urdaddyjeep said:


> but this being TRADOC just not going to happen..



that's the answer I got from the 1SG in my above post.  since the Doctor couldn't send me to BAMC and he couldn't keep me at the TMC, he wrote me 48 hrs. Qtrs...  now, I didn't plan on taking all of it, but since at this point, I'd already missed half the class day, I was more than willing to go and be non-contagious in the barracks whilst everyone else was in school.  I showed up at the 1SG's office and he looks at me, with his brown round on, (he was the senior drill from last cycle standing in for the 1SG since the 1SG was still on leave/PTDY) and gives me that smile. you know that one I'm talking about.  

"that's all fine and dandy, there, Soldier Medic.  but we don't DO quarters here."  :uhh:

he calls the doc back at his desk and tells him the same thing.

 "sir, we can't leave him unsupervised in the barracks, so we'll just have to settle for light duty and no PT.  sound good?"

he tells me "now if you don't mind, dede-mau on back to class and I hope you get to feelin' better.  have a fantastic Army Day, Soldier-Medic!"

roger.  Warrior Spirit, 1SG.

:uhh:


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