Not Work Safe Gut Busters, Knee Slappers, and Otherwise Tasteless Jokes

[Gunz]

Those damn Rangers:wall:

 

[Muppet]

I was gonna say that the load master has nothing to do with kicking jump refusals. It's the jumpmaster and then I was like, ewww!

F.M.

 

[Gunz]

What the hell do I know about jumping out of airplanes? I was a groundpounder. Jumpmaster, schlumpmaster...

 

[racing_kitty]

I went on ahead and merged some of the joke threads into one glorious destination for all things funny, foul, and latently offensive. Post'em here.

 

[Salt USMC]

Might as well:

You might be a liberal if…

• you break out in a cold sweat at the mention of the Constitution.
• you own something that says “Dukakis for President” and still display it.
• you believe the Constitution is living but unborn babies aren’t.
• you’ve never been mugged.
• you believe that a democrat freed the slaves and a republican created the KKK.
• you are only tolerant of people as long as they totally agree with you.
• you think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• you have earrings in places that don’t have lobes.
• you know at least one “vegan.”
• if you think Benghazi is an Italian sports car maker.
• you think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer’s stash.
• you think “integrity” is a new foreign car model.
• you still believe in Tinkerbell, the Tooth Fairy and Ted Kennedy.
• you’ve ever tried to protect the ozone layer.
• you love the spotted owl but have never seen one.
• you think occupy Wall Street protesters are sane but Tea Partiers are nuts.
• you can’t articulate one single word without a teleprompter.
• you think the only absolute in life is vodka.
• after looking at your pay stub you can still say, “America is under-taxed.”
• you’ve stood for animal rights, but wear leather belts and sandals.
• you pay 185% mark-up for organically grown food.
• you abhor censorship unless it’s censoring race, religion, Conservatism, Western culture or Rush Limbaugh.
• you would vote for Jimmy Carter for president again because he’s done such a good job running Habitat for Humanity.
• you go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• you think having a picture of Jesus on school property is dangerous, but having a condom machine is not.
• your wedding vows start with “I promise to be the man that my husband deserves.”
• you regard luxury cars as personal excess but spend $1100 for a bike and $400 for a cappuccino machine.
• you believe Oprah should have been Obama’s running mate.
• you think the phrase “separation of Church and State” is in the constitution.
• you think “ethics” is an eastern European country.
• you think Jesse Jackson is a good spokesman for the black community.
• you support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb, and wear leather garments.
• you respond to the “paper or plastic?” question with, “It doesn’t matter. I’m bi-sacksual.”
• you think the National Organization for Women is made up of mostly heterosexual women with no lesbian agenda.
• your innermost fear is that there might be an omniscient superior being other than yourself.
• you want to protest something but don’t know what.
• you do all of your grocery shopping on the 4th of each month.
• you never told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can” because he chooses to do so.
• you think denial is a virtue.
• you are a hypocritical Catholic who votes for a baby exterminator every four years.
• you think “safe sex” involves tying back your pony-tail.
• you believe that watching “Will and Grace” re-runs makes you a defender of gay rights.
• you despise the rich even though they pay your share of the taxes.
• you get your news from MTV.
• you think it’s wrong that “food stamps” can not be used for cigarettes, lottery tickets, and beer.
• you give a Kenyan-born socialist an unlimited credit card and power over foreign relations.
• you think Monica Lewinsky was a slut who threw herself at Wild Bill.
• you believe that no teenager in the world is still a virgin, and that the very idea of virginity is somewhere between quaint and absurd.
• you believe that Tolerance is the highest virtue, and that any expression of disagreement with your views of tolerance should be declared a “hate crime.”
• you would rather have a free phone than a job.
• you believe 59% of whites who voted for Romney are racists but 96% of blacks who voted for Obama are not.
• you laugh at your redneck neighbor’s car on blocks while you continue to ride the bus.

 

[8654Maine]

All right, you folks asked for it. Big person rules apply cause I find them offensively funny. I shamelessly stole the following from others.

1) Why do little girls like to put goldfish in their pockets?........To smell like big girls.
2) What's the difference between onions and hookers?........You cry when you cut up an onion.
3) What happens when you put a baby in the microwave?......I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
4) What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?........Only some of the things coming out her vagina is retarded.

 

[AKkeith]

All right, you folks asked for it. Big person rules apply cause I find them offensively funny. I shamelessly stole the following from others.

1) Why do little girls like to put goldfish in their pockets?........To smell like big girls.
2) What's the difference between onions and hookers?........You cry when you cut up an onion.
3) What happens when you put a baby in the microwave?......I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
4) What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?........Only some of the things coming out her vagina is retarded.

Holy crap. I haven't heard jokes this bad since I got out.

 

[Grinning Fortress]

I'm digging this thread. I offer more kindling for the fire. I heard this when I was in basic during the safety brief for the grenade range at Ft. Benning.

What's the difference between a 15 year old girl and a washing machine?..............A washing machine doesn't follow you around everywhere telling you that it loves you after you put a load in it..

 

[nobodythank you]

What the hell do I know about jumping out of airplanes? I was a groundpounder. Jumpmaster, schlumpmaster...

LoL :-"

 

[racing_kitty]

One day, a guy decided to take his girlfriend to the zoo for a relaxing afternoon. They were having a good time, and eventually they happened upon the ape cage. The monkeys were in there, doing what monkeys do, and the boyfriend decided to tease them a little. This got the apes going, and the girlfriend started laughing.

Dude sees her laughing, and says "Hey, you know that monkeys are said to be very similar to people. Why don't you go ahead and give them a little show, see how they react?" She thinks about it for a minute, says "Oh, what the hell," and pulls her shirt down just a little bit, exposing her ample cleavage to the simians ahead of her. The monkeys go nuts, and both she and her boyfriend start laughing again.

The boyfriend looks at her and says "That's too damn funny. Why don't you show them a little ass, see if that riles them up?" Caught up in the moment, she replies in the affirmative, turns around and hikes her miniskirt up just until the curve of the bottom of her ass cheeks are visible. This really gets the monkeys bouncing around the cage, raising a racket, and the couple are laughing even harder than before.

He then looks at his girlfriend and says, "This is great! I know, baby, why don't you really give them something to look at?" Not missing a beat, she says "Sure thing," and promptly hikes up skirt and shirt to put all of her naughty bits on display. Sure enough, the monkeys are really going apeshit now. Not a moment later, the boyfriend grabs her by the arm, opens up the cage and throws her in. He slams the door shut and says "That's what you get for cutting me off, you bitch."

 

[Gunz]

Guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He looks around and sees two guys who look like Bush and Cheney sitting at a table.
He says to the bartender, "Is that Bush and Cheney over there?" Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

The guy impressed, walks over to their table. "Wow," he says, "this is an honor. What are you guys doing here?"

Bush looks up and says, "We're planning World War Three."

"Yeah," Cheney says, "We're gonna kill 50-million Muslims and a blond with big tits."

The guy, puzzled a bit, says, "A blond with big tits? Why do you want to kill a blond with big tits?"

Cheney looks at Bush and says, "I told you nobody'd give a shit about 50-million Muslims."

 

[8654Maine]

A mother was driving her daughter to elementary school.

They were driving behind a garbage truck that was spilling trash left and right at every bump. As the truck hit a big pot hole, a giant dildo fell out and landed on the lady's windshield.

The mother quickly starts the windshield wiper and said "my, that was a big bug" to distract and protect her child's innocence.

From the back, the daughter responds, "wow, how does it fly with a dick that big?"

 

[Gunz]

LoL :-"

Hey I deleted the paratrooper joke because 1. I thought it was a bit crude for a mixed audience and 2. because it's not nice to make fun of the certifiably insane.

and BTW, after 4 beers and 2 mezcal shooters I bungee'd off a crane thingy at the Madeira Beach Seafood Festival in 1987. That doesn't make me a paratrooper but it does make me a paranormal.

 

[Ooh-Rah]

@8654Maine , Ya missed one:

Why did they used to boil water when a baby was being born?

If it died they could make soup.

 

[nobodythank you]

Hey I deleted the paratrooper joke because 1. I thought it was a bit crude for a mixed audience and 2. because it's not nice to make fun of the certifiably insane.

and BTW, after 4 beers and 2 mezcal shooters I bungee'd off a crane thingy at the Madeira Beach Seafood Festival in 1987. That doesn't make me a paratrooper but it does make me a paranormal.

LoL 1. mixed how? Service type? well..... not everyone can be blessed.
2. that is the BEST time to do it!

Bungee four more times and you can petition the Holy Church of the Redeeming Paratrooper if you may be classified as a cherry :dead:

 

[Gunz]

LoL 1. mixed how? Service type? well..... not everyone can be blessed.
2. that is the BEST time to do it!

Bungee four more times and you can petition the Holy Church of the Redeeming Paratrooper if you may be classified as a cherry :dead:

Gimme a little time...I gotta find a big rubber band and something higher than the garage roof.

 

[AWP]

This actually happened to me a number of years ago, I think I told @racing_kitty about it once. I figured "tasteless" would probably cover it because of the subject:

The Holocaust.



Sitting at a dropzone, waiting between loads (a Cessna 182 with 4 jumpers in the summertime isn't the best performer) when our resident racists went on a tangent. I don't recall why they started, only they went on and on about Jews and everything, how the Holocaust happened but the numbers weren't right...yes, that was a Jewish conspiracy and the numbers were only in the thousands and they were criminals so that totally made it okay. On and on.

Of course, that resulted in an awkward, really awkward, silence. These two weren't smiling, but you could tell they were pleased and proud of their "case" against that evil, evil Jews. No one wants to walk away, no one wants to say anything, and we sat there. Finally, I spoke up. "I'd appreciate it if we didn't discuss the Holocaust. I lost a family member at Auschwitz. I think it was, that or Dachau."

Now we have a REALLY awkward silence. The resident Klan members don't know how to respond. I guess their hate only has so much courage...

"Stupid bastard got drunk and fell out of the guard tower."

Ice, broken.

 

[CDG]

 

[Ooh-Rah]

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters."

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS 'S.O.B.'s'."

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

 

[Red Flag 1]

I think we have a rival for the "." thread.