The number of times while enlisted sitting next my squad mates having a good time. I would be smiling and joking about everything, going along with the banter. When behind the smile, the only true thought in my head was how badly I wanted it all to end. The nightmares, self doubt, depression, anxiety of letting other down and not being up to the task. I don't know how I made it another decade after this, it baffles me that I just kept going. Now that I am older, more experienced and actually happy. I can only remember thinking, "tomorrow will change, and if not, the next day might be the day." I hung on to this until, and didn't even realize the day I let go of it.
for everyone who is struggling with mental health issues, struggle a little harder, and go get the help. Find someone who is willing to listen, call an old buddy, call you friend, call a family member. Fuck, go to the police station and talk to a police officer. Ask for a Crisis Intervention Officer (CIT) officer, if they have one. I am a Police Officer, I am here for you everyday of the week, twenty-four hours of the day. I'd rather watch you cry and blow snot all over my shirt, then stare at your dead body for 4 to 8 hours.
Suicide scenes are not fun, its unpleasant, it hurts, it is so fucking hard to tell a family their loved one took their own life. Especially when they show up with the entire troupe in tow. I don't get a choice in my response to calls, but if I can prevent a call from ever happening. I will do my fucking best to do so. I love you, this community loves you, and we want you to be here with us, Not in memory, but in reality.
