So Today.......

Centermass

Ranger
Rest In Peace
Joined
Oct 19, 2006
Messages
2,891
Location
Whoville
I was cleaning out my favorites on IE and come across a link I had forgotten about completely.

For those that don't know, the author of the site served with 3rd Batt. Some of the stuff is about as fucking hilarious as it can possibly get and you can't make half of that shit up.

http://www.soupsandwich.net/index.html

One final note of irony-look at the upper left on the home page. }:-)
 
B

Boondocksaint375

Guest
The best part about all of this is that the picture of the guy throwing up is our very own Rusty Shackleford.
 

275ANGER!

Angry Member
Verified SOF
Joined
Nov 29, 2007
Messages
494
Location
Front Leaning Rest
Hahaha, the Ranger Ball story is hilarious. They still have the competition going and a few more. I have never seen so many Hooters girls, Strippers and Rangerettes gathered all in one place. I took this girl I just started dating and before we got there I gave her the low down. I remember the first thing she said was "wow you weren't kidding about some of these girls."
 

The91Bravo

BNDN - Been Nowhere Done Nothing
Verified Military
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,125
Location
In a van, down by the river...
Guys,

All I can say, is I have not laughed so hard in months... I am down to the MRE cuisine dinner, and I am dying here.

GREAT STUFF!!!!

Thanks I needed that

EDITED TO ADD:
http://www.soupsandwich.net/jungleschool.html

I am literally crying, I am laughing so friggin hard. And I have to do it quiet, cuz everyone is sleeping

Jungle School

by Frank Rodgers

The Discovery Channel lies.

I'm serious. They show all those neat, cute little animals in nature and you come away thinking "How cute. They're so adorable. I just want to hug one."

Take the sloth. The Three-toed sloth. Slowest motherfucker in the world, and looks like that guy Barney from Andy Griffith. You almost feel BAD for the guy, 'cause he can't move all that fast, he has green algae growing on him, and you think some jaguar is gonna eat him for dinner, while the sloth is too slow to escape. Yeah, the poor, poor sloth...

Bull-fucking-shit.

I was in Panama a couple years ago in Jungle School. In Panama, you get to see nature at its worst. You see huge-ass spiders that catch BIRDS and eat 'em. You see colorful little froggies that are cute, but make poison that'll kill a stadium full of Rosie O'Donnell's. You come across ants that will literally chew you up.

But you'd THINK that the sloth is the most harmless of them all, wouldn't you?

My buddies and I are walking from one area to another, and we see one on the ground. It thinks it's going mach-3 to get away from us, but it's taking 5 minutes to go 3 inches. The thing really looks like its moving in slow motion.

My buddy Smitty decides to have a little fun. He walks up to the sloth and barely nudges it with his boot. The sloth falls over with a sound like "UGGGGG." The sloth apparently gets scared, and drops a huge turd out of its ass, but of course its in slow motion.

Now, we're dumb-ass Rangers, so of course we laugh at this pitiful sloth laying on the ground, crapping itself. This is sport to us. Now that Smitty has an audience, and he nudges the sloth again, and again it goes "UGGGGG," and falls back over.

A Jungle School instructor happens by and sees us and our new playmate. He takes a look at Smitty and says "Don't fuck with the sloth."

Yeah sure Sarn't, we'll leave him alone.

The Instructor walks away and Smitty decides to outdo himself by nudging the sloth once more, and then helping it get up on a tree limb. He moves his foot to nudge and...

SWIPE!

Wolverine berserker-style, the sloth pulls out these HUGE 4 inch claws, and quick as lightning swipes at Smitty's jungle boot.

Jungle boots are so tough, snakes can't bite through 'em, and they have metal plates underneath them incase you fall in a pungee pit. This Sloth laid WASTE to those boots. Cut 'em open to his skin, and boogied up a tree so fast, we didn't know WHAT to think. The Jungle Instructor came back and said

"Fucked with the sloth, dintcha?"

Segway* to a week later. We're doing a patrol, and set up an L-shaped ambush so that by the time the OPFOR (opposition force) gets through, so we can ambush 'em, and head out to a bar later on.

We're lying on the jungle floor, waiting like silent death. We're Rangers, we're badasses, and we OWN this motherfucker. All sorts of shit is running through my head, "Will I initiate the ambush correctly? Will the platoon see the Red Flare I shoot up to signify Cease Fire?" A myriad of thoughts, as I wait for the OPFOR to walk into our deadly jaws.

We see their point man. He's a kid, 19 years old, walking like he's John-fucking-Wayne, trying to keep noise discipline down. I look down the line, and silently give the "Enemy seen" signal. I silently count down... 3....2....1...I'm about to start firing, when all of the sudden I hear:

"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!"

I literally shit my pants. SHIT IN MY PANTS.

A Gibbon ape (or some related primate) had climbed down to observe our little ambush and decided to initiate the fucking ambush himself by screaming right into my ear.

So now we badass Rangers, we dealers of death, we GODS OF WAR...are running for our lives, trying to get away from A MONKEY who ALSO shit himself going up his tree.

And that shit landed right on me.

So now, I have shit IN my pants and ON my Kevlar helmet.

We didn't live that one down for a looooooong time.

[On this site, we spell "segue" in the American way "segway." Fuck the French.]
 

Mac_NZ

Stitch Bitch
Verified Military
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
1,597
Location
Christchurch
That's some funny shit. I can remember Kiwi versions of most of those stories as well, I guess Soldiers are the same the world over.
 

Mac_NZ

Stitch Bitch
Verified Military
Joined
Jul 26, 2008
Messages
1,597
Location
Christchurch
Priceless stories. I remember having the same Airborne balls (we called them parties). Some really ugly chicks. Of course I never participated in such degrading activities.}:-)

F.M.

Hookers were a popular one for ours. We have a Battalion boxing comp each year and hire strippers to be the ring girls :cool:
 

FNULNU

Cupcake
Verified SOF
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
394
Location
Kansas City
Just read the Ranger Ball story. Hilarious.

I had a buddy who was deployed with me who in a moment of weakness turned to a fat Navy fobbit. I caught him chatting her up one day and said "dude, don't, you'll regret that later". He agreed and it was not brought up again, until...

One day he walks in with a shamed and somewhat traumatized look on his face. I immediately start grilling him. After a few BS excuses he breaks. Head hanging low, he admits to spending the night in the "Big Girls" trailer (there were two living in the same pod). After describing the traumatic event of chatting up and making out with a fat chick in a wife beater. he swears all that happened was that he got some head and that she swore not to say a word about it to anyone. Of course he was not going to be let off the hook that easy. To this day all I have to say is "wife eater" and he'll nearly loose his lunch. But heres where it gets better...

Fast forward two days. I'm in the shower (yes I'm a chick) and I hear the fat Navy girl talking to the other girls. She says in a booming voice "I just can't keep my mouth shut! I just can't keep my mouth shut!". I laughed so hard I almost fell out of the shower. At this point I couldn't keep my mouth shut either and gave my unsolicited response over the shower wall "Clearly. I guess that's why M stuck his dick in it!" and continued to laugh my ass off :)
 

AMRUSMCR

Only 92% Evil
Verified Military
Joined
Sep 6, 2006
Messages
201
Location
Midwest
Sweet. Bet that was some good watching. I will not go into what I did one year out of respect for the female persuasion on here. Oh, what it was to be young and stupid.:doh:

F.M.


Go for it. Some of us won't care, especially if it's funny.
 

Muppet

Paratrooper
Verified Military
Joined
Jul 30, 2008
Messages
10,962
Location
Wrong side of heaven, righteous side of hell
So, there I was. Drinking with a "friend" when we met 2 chicks @ the Westside Tavern on Yadkin Rd. 1 was 90 pounds wet, looking like an emaciated crack whore and the other about 250 pounds, looking like she ate the crack whore. We are really drunk, coming back from a 4 month tour in Saudi (97). I was dumped by my fiance while overseas so I was vunerable......We all go back to their trailer in Hope Mills. We drink more and run out of beer. The friend and crack whore go to the bedroom and big girl goes to get more beer. I wonder in drunk to the bedroom and am invited by the crackhead to have a triple with the crackhead and friend. We do and I hear this yell come from the door. Big girl is back and pissed. I run to the living room and they continue. Me and the big girl continue to drink and I start feeling really dizzy. I awake to find myself handcuffed to the daybed in the living room, 4 points and big girl is performing the reverse cowgirl. Friend is taking pictures and crackhead is laughing. Now you say, what happened now? I vomited and aspirated my vomit, needing a 911call and emergency visit. I awake @ the E.D. with a foley cath. in my junk, antibiotics going I.V. I was released and found the pictures hanging on the wall in our aid station Monday a.m.

Before you judge, remember I was young, a Paratrooper and a know it all. I dont drink anymore and I know what it feels like (sort of) when patients tell me that they were drugged.:doh::doh:

F.M.
 
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