I just love that Americans think there will be a sane, rational, and globally ACCEPTED resolution to all of this.
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Welcome to another instalment of 'Box Posting Nonsense After a Severe Fever Dream' - travel with me as we take a look back at the history of congressional testimony in America and how fucking ridiculous is really is:
After being arrested in 1925 and again in 1930, George Cassiday - also known as "The Man in the Green Hat" - testified before CONgress ("con" being the opposite of "pro") that he had spent most of the previous TEN YEARS serving as the primary bootlegger to countless members of both the US House of Representatives, and the US Senate. During prohibition, George Cassiday, commonly know as "the man in the green hat" testified that he had been supplying alcohol directly to members of the House and Senate - more notable was how many of his customers had actually voted for prohibition. Just Imagine that - government officials breaking the laws that everyone else is jail for.
Cassidays presence 'on the hill' was so commonplace that the Capitol Police - (the same ones that did such a fine job during the brutal fiery deadly riotous insurrection on January 6th) - recognized Cassiday by his trademark emerald hat and allowed him unquestioned access at all hours.
He went to jail. NONE of the selected officials spent a day in jail for their participation in the same crime.
Then there is Dee Snider the "big haired" lead singer for Twisted Sister. Snider was called to testify in 1985 regarding explicit song lyrics and rock music was destroying our nations yout...
...lets get right to the point, he was testifying "FOR THE CHILDREN"
Dressed in his signature stage gear, Snider surprised lawmakers with an articulate, well-reasoned defense of free speech, famously rebutting Al Gore’s wife, Tipper Gore, by explaining that the song "Under the Blade" was about surgery, not sadomasochism.
Then there was the big one - way back in 2002 when Elmo testified.
...go ahead, finish laughing and catch your breath.
Yes - ELMO - the frizzy red haired Muppet - "testified" before congress.
Why?
Because the god damn House Appropriations subcommittee wasn't spending enough fucking money on music education. I don't know why on gods green earth they had Elmo testify when a mother fucking drum solo from Animal would have saved the day - but
"Elmo"
...because, congress
...and the children - its ALWAYS for the fucking children
Was that a fluke?
Was it just a stunt for a "character" to provide congressional testimony?
Au contraire, mon frère...
Steven Colbert - in character as the nutty political Commentator from "The Colbert Report" - showed up in 2010 to testify about Americas failing immigration policy.
We've had baseball players show up and testify in front of congress to argue about whether or not their mood swings, mania, depression, and shriveled testicles were in any way connected to rampant steroid use and their ability to add an extra 5-10-15-20 feet to their average flyball distance.
Then there is one of my all time favorites - do you remember - (Pepperidge Farm remembers)- testimonials of ALL TIME...
...in 2023 two military pilots testified under oath that the U.S. government possesses "intact and partially intact" craft of non-human origin. They further claimed that "biologics" (alien remains) had been recovered from crash sites, marking a rare moment where extraterrestrial life was discussed as a formal matter of national security.
So - right here in the You-Knighted-Staytes-of-Amareikuh, we have been subjected to CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY over evrything from elected officials buying illegal booze and then having it delivered by one of Americas very first "Door dash" services - right to their mother fucking offices - to a Sesame Street Muppet asking for handouts - to comedians testifying ironically - how much steroids impact a home run - all the way up to THE EXISTENCE OF UFOs AND ALIENS FROM OUTERSPACE
...am I the only one that remembers that CONGRESS held hearings just a few short years ago to talk about UFOs and how they impact national security ???
UFOs - Little Green Men - the Grays - Mars Bitches - RED ROCKS
All the while - you cant swing a dead cat without hitting a politician campaigning on how much they care about children - and yet, everyone is still afraid to talk about a dead PDF file and who he was sharing all of this mother fucking pizza and grape soda with !!!
So, in closing, I ask, would it be crazy to wonder why none of the actual VICTIMS have been called to testify before congress to shed light on this issue of "national security" or would we prefer to just go along with the drip drip drip of establishment media partisan hype that is meant to distract us from how badly we are getting fucked by a government that doesn't give a single solitary shit about us...
...or the children - they don't give a shit about the children either.
"Aaaaaand THATS the way the cookie crumbles."
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