The best and worst thing about being SOF, and especially leaving, is the fact that both duration of time with the guys as well as exactly how tight knit the elements are, leaves a huge void whenever you move on.
Didn't help that it was a delayed timebomb upon departure from Regiment. Literally having SOP being shit that has ALREADY caused troops to die, and when multiple cases of "this is by far the stupidest thing we could do in this situation" are brought up the COC, getting told to STFU.... and having infantrymen looking up to me to be doing the right thing, keeping them alive, etc, when the unit's specifically planning operations that directly conflict against the active METL/SOP that the enemy's using overseas (since unlike everyone there, I could send an email and get a call within 72 hrs usually about WTF was up if it could be in the open, or otherwise "why is there a SFC/MSG/SGM on the phone in the S2 office asking for you" due to opsec) it drove me up the wall literally, then I spiderpigged on the ceiling.....
Realized I had a situation ongoing with me, realized I had no fucking ammunition/weapons/mission statement on how to move forward. Went for help. Got nothing other than chapter paperwork and then medically retired.
Guess what, I'm fucked up some days. Other days I'm pretty fine. Coping mechanisms etc. Simple fact is, in lieu of any valid attempt at reconciliation/rectification of what I had going on/solid explanation OF what was going on within the DOD? I got shucked the fuck out when I planned on busting my ass for 20+ years because I loved the job and accepted everything that came with it. So yeah, I take my wonderful buck sergeant retirement and the rest of the associated stuff.
Fuck their pills though. I'm better off dealing solo rather than with meds because if you have shit memory and forget them, then you're totally fucked and I'd argue shit memory + psych meds = majority of batshits we deal with today, across the board.
Way too much shit going on in the brain and way too many side effects on things, nevermind that 80% of the time it's "symptoms = pills" regardless if they're actually working. I had shit that was working fine, I was learning to cope, etc... go to Palo Alto, what do they do? Shift my meds all over the fucking place and just totally fuck up my kilter. Hell, here in NV one of the doctors perscribed some anti-smoking shit with a 6 month check-in if it was working... nothing beforehand... 3 days into taking it where I'm getting close to the proper amount of meds staying in my system? I get homicidal ideation like never before... and we're not talking "Dude cut me off when I'm driving politely and defensively, wish I was in the RSOV/Stryker GUNNER FRONT 20 METERS DIPSHIT IN THE SUBARU CYCLIC TILL ROUNDS COMPLETE FIRE" joking shit... real deal stuff I recognized that "seemed right to do" and made manson look like kindergarden level shit... flushed the shit instantly, informed the wife to secure the shit and watch me for the next week till I detox off this shit because it's fucking me up.... and went back that day to the doc and said that shit needs to be put as a lethal allergy because if I take it, someone's gonna die.
Then again, I also personally know it's an aggrivating factor but my actions are still my own when it comes down to it. I have to (and do) pay attention to things to ensure that I'm responding appropriately versus letting the little hate turbine that's always spinning help drive the wheels so I oversteer rather than stay in my lane, so to speak.