Am I enough?

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Verified Military
Aug 4, 2019
Fort Hood
I am not looking for pity but I want to share my story and get feedback to see if this is really for me.
I am 29 been in the army 7 yrs as a 13B. I always wanted to be a "cammando" since I was a kid I imagined myself some special agent doing dangerous things for the good of humanity and the nation. I often found myself the "leader" of my group of friends but in my teens I led my group of friends in "criminal type" activities. Not proud but that's just how my youth went. I got away from it all and decided to join the army. Went to Campbell graduated air assault school as the ruck March champion won a few soldier of the months girl a few awards and kept my eye on SF. I raised my GT from 106 to 124 and in 2015 went to SFAS. 19 day nonselect and I was to day the least bummed. I kept wondering what I did wrong when I asked the cadre they said if I didnt know I didnt need to come back. I was eligible to come back and I kept thinking maybe my team didnt peer me good. I dod lose my protractor but I made one with an index card and still found my points. I got another spot report for going to a formation leaving to go get the other and when we came back down cadre said I was late. I believe but not certain that I may have been peered. Possibly for being kind of the "grayman" I didnt really lead anything just made sure I wasn't a burden. When I got back to my normal life I discovered my wife of 6 yrs was quite possibly cheating on me and for sure had done it in the past In the early stages of our marriage. We barely recovered and I only mention it because it really stained my SF ambitions for some reason partly because I had been "neglecting" my family by pursuing personal goals and my marriage was not strong enough for that yet. I bounced back career wise won NCO of the year places 2nd at division and even went to the 72nd Dday anniversary and met Gen Mark Milley. My section won top gun in divarty and there was literally nothing else as a 13B where I was at to excell in. I shifted my focus on a Ranger school since I had won nco of the year and top gun I was an easy go to get a slot. I went to pre ranger twice both times failing patrols and peers. I still have the peer evaluation sheets as a reminder to be better. I had bad remarks such as no leadership ability, does not have a presence, cant believe hes an NCO, lacks confidence etc. They hurt but over time I accepted that to be true for the time. I was not ready even at 26 I was not a good leader in Infantry tactics or much. I was afraid to say the wrong thing and make a mistake afraid at failing so much it made me fail. 11bs are a little different but I should have managed ok. I had many talks with RIs and they all said the same thing I showed no leadership. I left fort campbell kind of defeated alot of guys had their Hope's on me to get the the school and get the tab. And I failed, my leadership was very surprised and even went down to the school I had a msg from ranger batt go down there and vouch for me and question their assessment but it was too late. I was pcsing to germany and had lost my slot. I go to ALC get promoted to E6 and get to my new unit without the great reputation I built.
I become a section chief and lead 7 other guys. I aimed to develop my leadership skills and I made plenty of mistakes but I learned. I was the most junior guy there the other chiefs were much more experienced 4 to 5 more years even. They let me fall on my face plenty of times. But I got better for it. I applied for green to gold and got my battalion commander to recommend me. But my commander did not. He was not convinced I could be an officer. I noticed a trend that some people don't like me or see me as a good leader sometimes and yet some people do and say I am a great leader who cares for their soldiers. I never understood why that happens to me I used to think it was because I was hispanic and didnt really "Bro" with everyone usually kept to myself and just worked hard. So here I am now applying once again for green to gold but my heart is in SF. I always watch videos read books and imagine myself as a green beret. There's not a day that goes by I don't think I should go back. I feel like it's a fot for me but then I'm afraid I'm going to waste my time and no fry selected. Or even worse maybe they will peer me again and not like me. I am who I am I'm not going to change to become personality type that gets selected. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this but something tells me I should. I want to be SF it's my dream but am I enough? What should I do to be more than I am and be ready.
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