Gas, Gas, Gas...


Fortes Fortuna Juvat
Verified Military
Jun 12, 2009
cape cod
So I'm a practical joker, and I wanted to share one of my favorite practical jokes.

Allow me to bore you with some background....

The last two years in the Marines I was working as a CQB Instructor in an office with a bunch of Sgt's, a couple of Staff NCO's, and a prior enlisted Captain. Great place to work at as we worked hard, but we played even harder. We all hung out at the local e-club/Mariner drinking beers and shooting pool after work and it was the type of job that I could have done forever.

We taught CQB school for Marine Corps Security Forces personnel on this small Navy base in the middle of nowhere, down by the NC border in Chesapeake, Virginia. In addition to CQB school, this is the Training Company and the main schoolhouse where basic Security Force Marines are trained.

A new CO...

We got a new Commanding Officer for MCSF Training Company in the summer of 1998 and when he came on deck he requested/wanted to go through our school. Even though seats to the school were tough to come by, he was a pistol expert and he met the basic requirement's so "they" "found" a seat for the new Major. Major Lyon was his name, right now he is Lt. Col. Lyon. You never know what you're gonna get as an enlisted guy training an Officer, in my humble experience/opinion. Sometimes they are students, they listen, and they let the Instructors do their jobs, and other times -- not so much. Most of the students going through this school are LCpls (E-3) up to GySgts (E-7) with a few Officers sprinkled in here and there. So anyway, Major Lyon did a pretty good job as a student and he earned his certificate.

Now he's part of the pack....

Now that the Major is trained and one of our boys I start planning his practical joke initiation. I am fearless when it comes to practical jokes and nobody, or nothing is sacred. So I find out that Major Lyon was gong to be at the Greenbrier Mall in Chesapeake, in his Dress Blues, working the toy drive for the Toys 4 Tots program. So I decide that I'm going to dress up like a homeless person and go pay the Major a visit. Prior to leaving, the guys from the section get me in this great disguise, I put a few stink bombs in my pocket, and off we go to the mall. When we get to the mall we go inside and right away we spy the Major standing in front of a Toys R Us,,, and it just so happens that the store is right in front of an escalator. I come up with a plan to come up the escalator and walk up to the Major who's standing in front of the store and just start shooting the breeze (a foul breeze that is).

Stink bombs are a blast...

I don't know if anyone here has ever played with stink bombs or fart spray, but I giggle like a fourteen year-old girl when I get my hands on that stuff. I prefer the glass vial stink bombs, those are basically glass vials of putrid funk. I think it's one of the funniest things imaginable to drop a stink bomb at an unsuspecting place and watch the nervous reactions from people. I've dropped them in a packed elevator, in a crowded Chinese restaurant, in a library -- you name it, I have no shame when I get those things in my hands.

The Major meets the stinky Bum....

So, I roll up on the Major in my Bum disguise and right away I think I'm busted. I had no clue how much I was gonna sweat when we stood eye to eye. As he's looking me in the eye, through my coke bottle glasses, he says to me.. "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"

Then after a few moments of silence, he starts laughing and then he says that he's only kidding. So now I know I am home free to play with him. I go into this big speech with him about why I love men dressed in uniform, I keep calling him Sarge, and right as he looks away from me (I can tell his patience is running thin because the mall is packed as it's Christmas time) I drop the glass stink bomb vial on the deck, and then I move my foot over it and smash down on it.

It takes about 30 seconds for that stuff to kick in, but I'm telling you when it does, it will clear out a pretty big area. Especially a place like that with lots of open space. It's noxious, I swear the smell is easily comparable to standing over an open septic.

I'm making more annoying small talk with the Major as I'm anxiously waiting for the ass smell to reach up and hit me in my nostrils. Then, BAM,,,there it is,,, that smell is so nasty and right away I see Major Lyon looking around, trying not to notice the smell -- but it's impossible. Less than a minute of breaking the thing the whole area is engulfed in ass.

The moment I overhear the chatter of people around me talking about the smell,,, I tell the Major that I have to go, to the bathroom, and I abruptly walk away.

I couldn't 't wait to get out of that disguise and head to the e-club for some drinks and laughs.

First thing in the morning, the next day while the students are checking out their sub-guns, me and my boys head over to the the Major's office. Right away he starts telling us this story about what happened to him the night before. He had no clue that it was us/me,,, until I broke a stink bomb in his office. Then once the air was filled with that foul smell and we were double timing out of his office laughing did he realize that he had been had.

I chatted with Greg Lyon not to long ago at another military website and that story was the first thing that he mentioned to me, he said that he tells everybody that story,,, and so do I.:D

Thanks for listening.